Losing Sleep
by CeleryRox
Summary: Exactly how did Fang get down to the kitchen without remembering how he got there? And... why is he pissing in Max's shoe?
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: HI! This is my first MR fanfic. Not my first fanfic, though. It's technically the third, not that Nutshell really counted, haha... This story will be updated around Sparkly Vamp (my main story at the moment) 's hectic updating schedule. You can expect new chapters by the next week, but if they come late... *shrugs* what do you expect? I've got 1,000 words of crackfic being dragged out every other day. Actually, almost every day, now that summers here. Speaking of that... hehehe.**

**Hey, this is my first non-parody! MWAHAHAHA!**

**_Disclaimer: I do not own Maximum Ride. But give me a while :)_**

******Losing Sleep: Chapter One: Of Mayonaisse, Coffee, and Small Pink Ducks**

I feel very badass.

(sluuurp)

Currently, I am sitting at the counter of dr. Martinez's kitchen. Drinking coffee. Very, very, black coffee with about twice as much dark roast as Folger's calls for, because it suits me. Don't you think? And, I am so very badass, that it is currently ten o'clock at night, and I am chugging the juice of… ADHD. Yes, ADHD… or is it-

"Fang, why the hell are you still up?"

I did not even flinch. I am suave. The little drops on the ugly green countertop were there before I came.

"Iggy, why the hell are you bothering me?"

I turned and frowned at him. And then… what was he wearing? Iggy was standing in the kitchen, wearing nothing but boxers. The boxers in question were navy, with little pink ducks sewn all over them. The expression on his face betrayed no plausible emotion in this situation. He was smiling obliviously.

"Um, Iggy…?" I asked tentatively.

His mouth opened slightly. "Hm?"

"Nevermind." Best let sleeping ducks lie. (sluuurp) "Want some coffee?"

He frowned in my general direction and opened the refrigerator. "Hiding from the monsters under your bed now?"

I studied my fingernails. Is that a hangnail? "No. Why?" (sluuurp)

"Who ate all the mayonnaise? And if you don't sleep, the monsters won't hurt you, right?" thuds echoed from the refrigerator as he groped for the mayo.

"It's actually decaf. Why mayo?" I snuck a little sugar into my coffee. Sh. Don't tell Max, she'll never love me if I'm soft.

"Decaf? You pussy. You're an insult to the male gender. Mayo ignites well, if you care to know." I thought I heard glass breaking and covered my wince with disinterest. (sluuurp)

"You know, celery ignites well too."

Thee was a long pause before he replied. "Nobody likes celery. It's all stringy. And it's not natural to have negative calories."

Okay, time to end this. Leaving my cup on the counter (maybe it would piss Max off or something),I slid from the chair. Iggy kept fumbling around in the fridge and ignored my footsteps.

"I don't think there is any," I said, with the hope that he would go away.

"I'm not leaving until I find the mayo," he muttered.

"Okay, here it is." I reached in, grabbed a jar of horseradish, and shoved it in his hand. "Mm," he mumbled in thanks, and left the door open for me to close. As he turned to go, I called after him, "Hey… where'd you get your boxers?"

"Max gave them to me. Don't you like the ninjas?"

Oh. Haha, sucker.

I went up the stair and got into bed, fully clothed. Was thinking about things… girls and stuff, y'know, and my thoughts were blurring together like porridge with too much water. And then, next thing I know, I'm back in the kitchen, and there's something warm and wet in my hands. How'd I get back in the kitchen? The display on the microwave read 3:38. And what's that tinkling noise… I look down and, oh, well, crap.

It appears I may be pissing in Max's shoe. It's all soggy and yellow, and it really smells, and I'm dribbling urine down my arms.

This should be interesting.

**A/N: So, there's chapter one for you. Hope you enjoyed it! Remember to subscribe so you don't miss the next chapter :)**

**AND PLEASE REVIEW! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: And you people thought I was gone for good... has anyone else noticed that it is actually harder to update frequently over the summer? Yeah. So it's been, what, a month, and I finally decided to update this story, mainly because I didn't want to update Sparkly 40. I'm a little scared of that chappie... So lucky for you guys, this is being updated. I SHOULD be updating every Friday now that Sparkly is only being updated every four days, and if I don't, clog my inbox :). No, seriously... But there won't be a chapter next week, I'll be out of town.**

**Thanks SOO much to Gerby and Mundungus for reviewing! Gracias! And thanks to the people who's names I have forgotten that subscribed/faved!**

**Beware the capsrape and colorful swearwords.**

Clinking of silverware on plates. Smell of very greasy, high calorie breakfast foods. Constant blathering of the rest of the flock, and the constant blathering of Max telling them to eat with their mouth shut/not pass gas at table/stop blathering already. Welcome to breakfast at Dr. Martinez's house.

"LET'S GO TO THE MALL!" Nudge shrieked, standing up as if it were an original suggestion.

More blathering. I didn't say anything, preoccupied as I was. Going to the mall would need shoes. And Max would need her shoe. And she would probably find where I stuck it, because flowerpots aren't the most original dumping grounds. Curse me and my sleepless brain.

"No, I don't want to go there," I muttered. That shut them up. Nudge looked as if someone had frozen her internal computer.

"LET'S GO TO THE MOVIES!" Nudge shrieked, standing up as if it were an original suggestion. Unlike most computers, hers didn't stay frozen for long.

Max gave me a sharp glance. "Fang, I think the movies would be fine, don't you?"

Crap.

"Whatever." I shrugged.

"Okay then! We'll leave in an hour."

45 minutes later…

Iggy was tired of waiting. "Max? MAX! Hurry the crap up, or we'll be late to the movie!"

Max's reply was muffled. All I could make out was something about the sucking of muffins. See, she gets creative with her insults when the kids are around.

"Where is my shoe!" she called.

Iggy asked, "What? What was that?"

"I SAID GET A HEARING AID!"

"…what?"

She stormed down the stairs, hair messed up (presumably from looking under her bed) and eyes seething. You could practically see the smoke billowing from her ears as her brain was shut down due to system overload.

"HAS ANYONE SEEN MY SHOE?"

We all slapped our hands over our ears. "Uh, Max, you don't have to shout anymore, cause, we're right here," said Nudge.

"Ugh!" Her eyes widened. "I FOUND IT!" (more ear covering). She vaulted over the banister of the stairs and rushed to the flowerpot directly behind me.

Crap.

There was a pause.

"WHICH ONE OF YOU PISSED IN MY SHOE?"

"Uh… what?"

"YOU HEARD ME, IGGY!"

With the damp shoe in hand she rushed to stand in front of us and stare us all down. One. By. One.

"Maybe it was Total," I suggested.

Angel jumped to protect her dog. "No! He wouldn't do that! And how would he hide the shoe?"

"He's a ninja. Duh. Or maybe it was Gazzy. He has intestinal issues."

The accused's eyes widened. "Uh… WHAT? Why the hell would I pee in a shoe?"

"GAZZY! Language!"

"You would pee in shoes because… You have athlete's foot fetish!"

He shook his head back in forth as if the false accusations were trying to strangle him. "…that doesn't even have anything to do with the intestinal comment!"

"You know Fang, for a self proclaimed ninja you really talk a lot," Max said, her shoe still dangling from her hand.

"That's because he did it," Angel said quietly.

More silence.

"You PEED IN MY SHOE?"

"I can explain… uh… no, never mind."

"I DON'T BELIEVE THIS C-uh, CARP! YOU URINATED IN MY LEFT SNEAKER, YOU BA...LERINA! HOW COULD YOU BE SUCH A F-FRIDGERATING RE… RUN?"

I had a brilliant idea. "It wasn't my fault… Iggy fluoridated my coffee for mind control purposes!"

"FU… Oh, screw this… FUCK YOU!"

Suffice to say, we did not go to the movies that day. But if you think that was bad, wait till you hear what happens later that night.

So had my decaf (two cups… coffee is therapy) and went to bed. But not for long.

As the night before, it happened slowly. The first thing I noticed was that my tongue appeared to be stuffed into a warm, wet hole. And, my hand was in between two very soft objects. Then I opened my eyes and found myself staring into Max's.

**Hope you liked it! Now, off to Sparkly... oh gosh...**

**Also: review or the man-eating tinsel comes for you.**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: hi! I decided to update today. Weee… Thank you everybody for reviewing, I love you all! WEEHEEE! And stuff. PLEASE REVIEW! PLEASE!**

**Um… And I'm going to start actually REPLYING to reviews, instead of just like… reading them and stuff.**

**Chapter 3**

"Fang… What are you…" Max's slurred voice floated into my sleep. Then her eyelids shot up real quick and her hands found my chest and shoved me off. Ouch.

"WHY THE HELL IS YOUR TONGUE _UP MY NOSE!" _she screamed. This was followed by several thuds upstairs, presumably Iggy falling out of bed. I stared at Max in surprise. Her eyes were slightly crazed, and her hair was a bird's nest of frizz. She was tangled up in the blanket she had been sleeping with. From the view from the hardwood (emphasis on hard) floors from which I stared blankly, she looked highly unstable.

What was I doing in the living room? I had fallen asleep in my room.

"Fang… what the heck was your tongue doing UP MY NOSE?" But I thought that question was rhetorical. SHE must have known what I was doing.

I cleared my throat. "Why are you asking me? You're the one who KIDNAPPED ME IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AND BROUGHT ME DOWN HERE so you could SMELL MY TONGUE!" Her eyes widened at my accusation. I had blown her cover with my ninja powers of deduction. Mwahaha.

"What are you talking about?" she asked.

"What are you two BLOODY SHOUTING ABOUT?" Iggy bloody shouted from the stairs, a couple feet away.

"I DIDN'T drag you anywhere!" she continued. So she had decided to keep up her façade. But all would be conquered soon with my ninja skills.

"Well, you must have!"

"Guys, what's going on?" Nudge called, behind Iggy.

Max's eyes blazed suddenly. Uh-oh. "I dragged you here? Huh? I dragged you hear in the middle of the night and SMELLED YOUR TONGUE! AND I SUPPOSE I PISSED IN MY OWN SHOE TOO, AND SPILLED THE COFFEE ON THE TABLE YESTERDAY, AND I'M THE ONE WHO USED UP ALL THE SUGAR, AND I _STUCK MY HAND DOWN MY OWN FRICKING SHIRT IN MY SLEEP!"_ You have to hand it to her, she has a pair of lungs. I could hear the windows rattling from my position beside the oriental rug. At the shirt comment, I heard a clomping noise from the stairs. Angel and Gazzy where going back up the stairs where they had just come.

"Uh, yep, that pretty much sums it up…" I said.

Max opened up as if to say something, but she couldn't manage to sum up the situation strongly enough, so she flung a pillow at me and stormed into the kitchen. As an afterthought, "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU!" was spat over her shoulder.

"Go get em', tiger," Iggy called.

"Shut up."

'What happened?" Nudge was confused.

I opened my mouth, but Iggy interrupted me. "Nothing. Go ask Angel if you really want to know."

"I, for one, don't. But now that we're all up, I guess it's breakfast time," Dr. Martinez said, pushing past them to get downstairs.

Needless to say, I skipped breakfast and hid in my room for the rest of the day.

That is, until around two o'clock, when my resolve wavered and I snuck down to the kitchen for some much needed junk food.

I was creeping into the kitchen with my ninja skillz when I heard a sound that filled me with terror. It was… the sound of a cupboard closing. I poked my head around the door and saw… MAX! Oh, no! GASP! I quickly withdrew my head and tried to look like a wall.

Max walked past the doorway without seeing me. She had a bowl of popcorn in one hand.

Then I farted.

Max stopped dead and turned around. "While you do look distinctly like a wall, walls don't spontaneously pass gas at times of stress."

"I will SURVIVE!" I shouted and rushed at Max. I pushed her into a wall, grabbed the popcorn, and ran like hell. Little pieces of popcorn fell out of (MY) bowl as I rushed upstairs to hide in my room.

"YOUR TONGUE SMELLS OF USED DEODODERANT!" she called after me.

**I decided to lay off the cliffie this time. Poor little cliffies, they probably hate me now. Hahaha.**

**Uh… review or BOTH the man that eats tinsel AND the tinsel that eats man will… uh, eat you.**


End file.
